This is a continuation of the post about Lindenwood Retreat: Part 1

Thursday, April 11: Day Four

I prayed Mark 1:9-11. The theme of this day was memory and how we can look back on our lives and see God acting there. In spiritual direction I talked about memories with Sister Joetta and places where I saw the Holy Spirit working in my life- about the many hours spent seated in front of the statue of Blessed Mother Mary at the Cleveland Institute of Art: sketching her, trying to get her expression and outstretched hand just right.

She said that art must be an important part of your prayer life and conversion and I said, not really. Not anymore. I hadn’t painted in a long time. Lately, I was doing more writing (specifically writing in this blog) and had no time for art journaling. She suggested I try to incorporate art into prayer.

I also told her of the difficulty I was having making time for prayer. It seemed like everything else was more important. Distractions kept me from stopping to pray. But once I finally did sit down to pray, I prayed for several hours and then was late starting work.

Friday, April 12: Day Five

On Friday, I missed my spiritual direction meeting again. Not only that, I didn’t pray the scriptures that were assigned.

Stuart’s cell phone died the night before and he said he must have a new one. Having a working phone is critical for his job, so I made arrangements to leave in the middle of the day to go with him to get one. The only time I had available included the time I’d set aside to meet with Sister Joetta. Again, I emailed and expressed my apologies. Later, Stuart said we could have gone on Saturday morning since he didn’t have a fire the next day after all. But it was too late- I had already canceled.

I felt terrible and so angry at myself. Why couldn’t I do this? Why was everything more important? Not only that, I was seeking comfort in old habits- watching garbage TV with my daughter, eating too many sweet things, and doom scrolling on Facebook.

I had RSVPed to a Wine and Canvas event at Sorrowful Mother for that evening. I bought wine and spent the previous evening baking many fudge brownie bites and strawberry rhubarb shortcake bites to bring. I miss baking and had so much fun making all the little treats, thinking about the fun we would have, and praying while I worked. That is one of the best things about simple tasks like that- you can pray over them so easily!

Not Today Satan!

But now, I was so miserable and angry at myself that I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay home, likely to punish myself for failing so badly throughout the week. But, I RSVPed and had all these treats and a bottle of wine, so I went anyway. I put on a shirt that said “Not today Satan!” I had bought it but hadn’t worn it yet because I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate. So if it got ruined by paint, oh well.

Tree of Life

I wanted to paint one of the sample paintings that we shared on Facebook when advertising the event. It reminded me of the Tree of Life and a mental vision I had in prayer about a year ago. Julie also was hoping to paint based on this sample painting so we decided to go rogue.

While painting, I talked about the struggles I experienced on the virtual retreat. Everything seemed to go wrong and temptations were everywhere. Heather said this is how you know you are on the right path- headed toward God. I thought about all the times I didn’t choose God over the last week. What a mess! I said I would prefer not to have free will if I keep mucking it up so much.

But Heather said to imagine how pleased God was that I had chosen Him over sweeter, tempting possibilities on many occasions. If I didn’t have free will, I couldn’t choose Him because there would be no choice to make. Wow!

Even when it is difficult, still we try to discern God’s will and choose Him. We don’t always succeed, but we keep trying. The thought of this was so beautiful that I nearly cried. I blame the wine. But I still felt terrible thinking of the many ways I had failed to choose Him and prioritize time with Him over the last week.

I didn’t finish my painting in the few hours of the event, so I worked on it when I got home. I added crosses to some of the circles to emphasize that I was thinking about them as the Eucharist. Jesus is present in the Eucharist: body and blood, soul and divinity. But what does the soul and divinity of Jesus look like? How to envision the presence of God behind the appearance of bread? I tried to evoke ripples of color and light: His love crashing on us like never-ending waves.

The next morning I searched for quotes about the Tree of Life in the New Testament. I chose “Blessed are they who wash their robes so as to have the right to the tree of life and enter the city through its gates.” Revelations 22:14

I like that it seems to reference both the sacrament of baptism and penance/reconciliation. The Tree of Life reminds me of Jesus and His presence in the Eucharist, so there is Communion as well. I wanted to include Revelations 22:1-5 too, but there wasn’t room. I printed out the quote and then used a gel medium to attach it.

Saturday, April 13: Day Six

Before heading to the closing ceremony of the retreat, I stopped by a craft store to buy some paint and a few canvases. I wanted to paint the Tree of Life again, but more carefully and with better acrylics. It was like a rough draft of a painting. I am not sure I will re-paint it though. I need to think about it. The point of painting this is to pray and try to understand better some things I see in prayer or things I learn. It isn’t to produce something that is objectively lovely or meets my standards of technical excellence. So, if repainting it accomplishes the aforementioned goals, okay. If it is just to make it prettier, I’ll just go on to paint something else.

Stop, Drop, and Go

At the retreat closing ceremony, we took some quiet journaling time to reflect. I sat outside by the St. Ann and Child Mary statue, wrote, and watched the sunlight bleed across the lake. When it came time to share, I relayed how challenging the week had been and how angry I was at myself. Sister Joetta said I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I was working two jobs and I hadn’t taken time off for the retreat so it was natural that I would struggle in this area. She said it makes sense it is difficult to separate my work and prayer life because I work and pray in the same room. She also said that God understands that I have to do what is necessary for my family, including working. I felt like such a weight was lifted when I heard this.

Yes, I had tried to do too much again. Again! Why do I keep doing this? Why is it so difficult to be kind and patient with myself? Sometimes I feel paralyzed by everything and I shut down because it all seems like too much. When I feel like this, I should stop, pray, and do something small to release the tension, like garden, dance, or paint for 15 minutes or take a walk in the trail through the woods. But I push through and end up feeling worse. I need to remember: Stop, Drop (to my knees and pray), and Go (paint, dance, walk, draw, read, or write for 15 minutes). Stop, Drop, and Go.

I Just Want to Be Perfect

I told Sister Joeeta, I just want to be perfect, thinking about “be perfect, as your Heavenly Father is perfect.” It was like she read my mind because she said many people misinterpret this verse. It isn’t that we are to be perfect. Instead, we should strive for perfection in what God has made us for. She said that if God made us to be a screwdriver, we should strive to be a perfect screwdriver. If He made us to be a hammer, strive for perfection in hammering. But we aren’t multitools. We can’t be perfect in every area…

I asked, how do I know what He made me for? She said, well that’s the difficulty. Others chimed in that they are still trying to figure this out too.

When asked what touchstone or grace we would take from this week, I shared a photo of the painting I made the day before. I said that I would hang it in my office (which is also my prayer space) and look at it when I feel overwhelmed or conversely, when I want to take another thing on.

We did an examine prayer together and one of the participants said she felt bad because the thing she came back to from earlier in the day was small. But the thing I came to was just going to the store and getting things to paint. I felt that finding balance in this area was key- in using the paints as a tool for prayer and release and not as something to beat myself up about or add to a checklist I feel like I need to be marking off. Sister said I should definitely try painting as a form of prayer, so I will see what happens.

I am also looking forward to next Wednesday when I can go to confession and give these failures over to Jesus. Wash my robes, please Lord! They are paint-spattered and muddied.

Psalm 139

Regarding feeling God’s love and not being so critical of myself, other retreat participants suggested I pray with Psalm 139 more so I listened to many versions of it on the drive home.

I will try to paint Psalm 139. How does it feel to be encircled by God? But I won’t beat myself up if it takes me a while to start or finish.

There are so many versions of Psalm 139 on Spotify and YouTube. I like these: