I usually have a song in mind when I’m writing and today it is this cover of “Tomorrow” from Haley Klinkhammer. For my very dear friend, you know who you are. If I could sing, I would sing this song for you!

I bought “Pentecost with the Church Fathers: A Seven-Week Retreat on the Person and the Presence of the Holy Spirit” a few weeks ago and have spent the past several days reading the introduction and Week One. The book is designed to begin on Easter and be read until Pentecost, one chapter per week. Each chapter includes reflection questions for journaling and prayer interspersed so I thought I would answer some of them in blog posts.

I’m hoping this may be helpful to you, Reader, as you might see some of the questions and think of your own answers for them.

Week 1: The Holy Spirit in the Bible

Easter is not over today or even this week. Easter is completed only by Pentecost: there may be forty days of Lenten observance, but there are fifty days of Easter celebration. Easter is completed only by Pentecost because the work of Christ finds fulfillment in the work of the Holy Spirit.

p7 Pentecost with the Church Fathers

What do you know about the Holy Spirit? Can you list three images or words to describe Him in your life?

I know that the Holy Spirit is part of the Holy Trinity and He is given to us at baptism and strengthened and sealed through confirmation. Three images or words to describe Him in my life are:

• Water- often a stream or small river
• Light
• Music

The last image- the Holy Spirit as music or Musician confused me at first. I sometimes think of the Holy Spirit as the music and the Musician. Is that allowed? So I Googled and it seems I am not alone in this: “Beyond birds and flames: Let’s think of the Holy Spirit as jazz music” Daniel Horan, (2023, Feb 9) National Catholic Register

One of my favorite metaphors for the Holy Spirit is that of a musician. We find this expressed by the great mystic and composer Hildegard of Bingen. In her “Hymn to the Holy Spirit,” she writes:

Praise to you
Spirit of fire!
To you who sound the timbrel
and the lyre.

Your music sets our minds
ablaze! The strength of our souls
awaits your coming
in the tent of meeting.

Additionally, in one of her letters to a Benedictine prioress, Hildegard imagines heaven as “a symphony of the Holy Spirit,” further capturing the musicality of God’s dynamic movement as Spirit.

“Beyond birds and flames: Let’s think of the Holy Spirit as jazz music” Daniel Horan, Feb 9, 2023, National Catholic Register

Describe a time you have felt close to the Spirit’s presence

When I was baptized, confirmed, and received first Communion last Easter Vigil, at the Chrism Mass, and at Mass in general. Also at Lake Michigan or Turkey Run. Sometimes just randomly in the world.

When was the last time you prayed outside? Have you taken the time lately to gaze upon the miraculous structure of some natural object, say, a tree or flower?

Yes! I pray in the woods behind our house. I like to stop and look at flowers, beetles, leaves, seeds. Everything God makes is beautiful!

List three times, places, or experiences you hold dear in your memory as times that God has spoken to you most powerfully of His Spirit’s love for you:

• Praying and being healed
• Easter Vigil 2023 and the weeks leading up to receiving the sacraments of initiation
• Prayer in the woods behind the house

When you try to picture yourself in the presence of the Holy Spirit, what images or feelings surface?

I usually picture myself walking in a small stream or floating in a river. If I’m in a very noisy place or my mind is hectic, I imagine myself in a circular room with gates through which water flows all around it. There are grates in the lower part of the wall so the room never fills up with water, but it is clamorous with all the water rushing in. I go around the room, shut all the water gates but one, and then sit in a chair in the center of the room with my feet in the water.

What areas in your life do you need the Holy Spirit to reveal Himself right now?

I think I’d just like help in general- to know what God’s will is and to always do that thing.

Have you ever read the Old Testament? Is this something which the Spirit might be calling you to study?

I made it pretty far into Bible in a Year last year, but I’m so far behind this year. I think it would be good to watch or participate in some Bible study on a specific book, like Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Hosea, or 1st and 2nd Samuel.

Have you ever thought about God’s revealing truths carefully and only in accord with our ability to understand? Could you see the same dynamic in your own life, that God’s not showing you something until you were ready to receive it?

Yes, I have thought about God’s slowly unveiling Himself through the Old and New Testaments. I wondered if Jesus or the Holy Spirit were sad waiting to be more active in people’s lives but this is a silly thought as they must not experience time like we do. So do they even experience waiting?

In my life, I think it is the same- the slow reveal of God.

Does it comfort you to know that your Advocate before the Father is the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Love? He sees every pulse of your heart, every secret smile and joy, every desire you have ever had. Does this truth of who you truly are before God console or frighten you?

I think it is both comforting and frightening. To have an advocate in the Holy Spirit is comforting but to be so fully known could be scary. Cognitive dissonance is real. The difference between who you think you are and who you really are is painful. So I think it would be terrifying if we didn’t also realize that we are broken, prone to making bad choices and filled with vice of every kind. But God loves us anyway. He not only loves us anyway, He offers to wash us clean at every turn.

When I was little, there was a vacant lot next to our house that a local farm store used to store farm equipment- cow feeders, mobile corrals, troughs, squeeze chutes and traps, tractor attachments etc… To a four-year-old, it was like a jungle gym right next door, perfect for play and especially hide-and-seek. My parents always warned me not to play in it because I could get trapped, fall and get hurt, or rip and dirty my clothes. But sometimes it was too tempting. Then I’d get stuck in the squeeze chute and my father would have to run and lift me out or I’d tear my dress while climbing on the equipment or fall and scrape my knees. They would patch me up, clean and sew up my dress, and sternly warn me not to play there anymore. I would feel very sorry, but still- there was that temptation always just outside the back door and what four-year-old is equipped to deal with such temptation? I think it’s like that with God and confession.

O Jesus, save us, for we fall;
Look down and set us right, we pray,
For at your glance our failings fail,
And sorrow washes sins away.

O Light, upon our senses shine,
Dispel the sleepiness within;
Let our first words be words of you;
With faithful praise our day begin.

(Eternal maker of the world, Hymn)

But seriously, look at these things- how can you not want to climb all over them?

Does the Spirit’s knowledge of your entire self bring you comfort or unease? Why?

This is so similar to the question above. I think the further your concept of “self” differs from the reality of your true self, the more uneasy you will feel at being known in truth by God.

What in your life do you consider, “holy,” that about which you are never flippant or dismissive?

The Mass, Jesus and His Sacred Heart, God the Father, the Holy Spirit.

Earlier this week when I was walking back from a meeting with my coworkers, one of them said “G – dammit!!” as we talked about the illogical and confusing turn events were taking. I turned my face to the sky and blurted out “Blessed be the name of the Lord!” and my coworker apologized but I said, “Well this is so non-sensicle that even God doesn’t understand it and He understands everything!” So, maybe that was flippant? I think it’s difficult because, on one hand, I want to bring God into the conversation and reclaim His name from only being an expletive. But on the other, maybe His name should always be set apart.

How does genuflecting and kneeling before the Blessed Sacrament make you feel? Do you see this as one place of absolute worship in your life?

Yes! I like to kneel and genuflect before the Blessed Sacrament, either in the Tabernacle, during Mass, or in adoration. I wish I could go to church when no one is there, kneel in the middle of the aisle, and just stay there.

You may not think of yourself as having idols, but where do you place most of your trust or spend most of your energy when worried? Is it your finances, your social status, your physical health, your technology? Can you place all of these very real and important concerns in your Father’s will, in His Son’s pierced hands?

Even though I work in technology, I’m not really a huge fan of technology, except as a tool to solve problems. My social status? HA!

But finances… that is an idol. I find myself thinking that potential disasters aren’t problems because we have financial resources from which to draw. Shouldn’t my first comfort be God and not my 401K?

Have you ever been totally honest with yourself and asked, “Why do I call myself a Christian?” Is it because of your fear of hell (slave) or reward of heaven (soldier)? Is it because you simply want to be one with the Lord (son or daughter) and thus love and be loved by Him, no matter what He asks of you?

I love that in baptism, I am no longer an orphan. No longer do I say- I am nobody’s daughter. So for me, it is the latter- I am Christian because God called me out of the grave to be His adopted daughter.

Pray the Our Father slowly and see if any one word or phrase resonates deeply within you.

“Our Father” and “Forgive us” stand out. Also, just the entire plurality of the prayer. I love that it isn’t “My Father” and “Forgive me.” When we pray this, we’re all praying for each other.

How does it feel to know and call upon God as “Father?” Do any important images from your own earthly father come to mind?

I used to always say, if you see anything good in me, then you are seeing the work of my parents. I think being a daughter of such good parents made it natural and easy to love God and be devoted to Him as His daughter. Now I would say, if you see anything good in me, then you are seeing the work of my Father in Heaven.

“The entire life of a good Chrisitan is a holy desire. What you desire, however, you don’t yet see. But by desiring you are made large enough, so that, when there comes what you should see, you may be filled.”

Augustine of Hoppo, Homilies on First John 4.6 – p27 Pentecost with the Holy Spirit

Whom do you love most tenderly? Name them.

I love so many people! But in looking ahead at these questions, you are supposed to choose to meditate on just one or maybe two people. So I choose Stuart and Midi.

Are your actions consistent with your holy desires for those you love?

Sometimes yes and sometimes no. My desire for those I love is that they would also experience the peace and joy that I feel. I see them suffer in ways that I once suffered and it hurts so much. So I pray for them and I try to always be there for them. Even if I’m tired or would rather read, I play uno with Midi. I hope that they can see the difference in me and that may help them look at their own lives and soften their heart to allow God to speak to them. But also, sometimes I am so tired or I have difficulty discerning what I should be focusing on. Like right now, I’m reading this chapter and writing the answers to these questions. I could be cleaning the house and showing my love for them that way.

How do you interact with those persons on a daily basis? Do you ever take them for granted or take your frustrations out on those you have in mind?

I used to take them for granted and if I was stressed or in a bad mood, I was really a jerk. I think I’m better now, but not perfect by a long stretch. I also can’t help but feel that Stuart will always be here because of the solid quality of his nature. I know that Midi will someday go off and live her life as well, but I hope that she will always feel like she can call me or come and visit. I try to picture how temporary we all are in the world, but it is difficult to hold on to.

For myself, I always feel like I won’t be here long and so I have an impulse to learn and do as much as I can while I’m here. I would say this feeling is leftover trauma from almost dying a few years ago, but I’ve always felt like that. It may be because when I was little I had a heart condition and my parents thought I could die at any moment. I remember running in from playing and climbing on my father’s lap, placing his hand over my heart. I remember thinking how proud he must be of how fast my heart was beating because of all the exercise I was getting. I remember him jumping up and carrying me into my mom and her freaking out and then doctor visits and the sticky electrodes and cold gel. I didn’t die after all (obviously, here I am writing this) but I think this made me always feel very temporary.

So why can’t I apply this to Midi and Stuart and treat every day with them like the gift that it is? I pray for God’s help with this!

Do you see your love for these persons not as a projection of your own emotions but as a real manifestation of the Holy Spirit in our lives? If so, do you live with the Spirit’s virtue and selflessness in mind or do you still love based on your own feelings and emotions?

Wow, what a question! I had never thought of us loving each other in that way- that our love for others can be a manifestation of the Holy Spirit. Is that possible? Then, when I loved all the people at the Chrism Mass, is that a manifestation of the Holy Spirit? Wow! I don’t have an answer to this question. It is all too new to me.

Do you ever divide your loves into ones that are “natural” and ones that are “holy?” If so, try to reunite those people into one love, into one God-given desire for greater union and charity toward all those people God has put into your life.

Again, I don’t have a good answer for this question. I don’t think I do this because I didn’t conceptualize love as “holy” or “natural.” I didn’t know that was a thing. I thought it’s just love.

Part of a retreat is to examine the past year in one’s life and ask: Where you have found God and where have I felt restless? Take some time to jot down the most memorable blessings of this past year as well as to list some place where stress and anxiety have been unfortunately overwhelming.

Ahhh this could be its own blog post. What a question to ask! I think over the last year, I have found God in attending Mass as often as possible, in spending quality time with Midi and Stuart, in talking with my friend Belinda, in being active in parish life, helping out with pastorate projects, and in writing this blog.

I’ve felt restless in not knowing what else I should be doing, like I’m not doing enough. I think this was a distraction and, over Holy Week, I learned that I should rely on God more and myself less.

I’ll have to think more about this question.