When I art journaled, I cut out weeks in calendars and painted whatever color the day felt like on each day. For example:

If I did that now, these are the colors I’d paint the last few days:

Color My Days: Holy Week 2024

• Sunday, March 25: Red and blue blending to make purple in the middle.
• Monday, March 26: Blue-Gray, a sleepy day. So tired.
• Tuesday, March 27: Yellow with black spots around the edges- mostly joyful
• Wednesday, March 28: Red center with black around the edges, feeling broken-hearted, but why?
• Thursday: To Be Determined
• Friday: TBD
• Saturday: TBD
• Sunday: TBD

Chrism Mass

On Tuesday, March 26, I attended the Chrism Mass in our Diocese. This was the second Chrism Mass I attended and the first one where I was able to receive Communion. I drove down with Belinda, and we were able to sit up front with Bill and Phyllis, Father Mike’s parents, who had kindly saved us seats. Because of this, I could really see what was going on this year, including Bishop Doherty breathing on the Chrism oil two times. I want to learn more about breath in the Bible and all the places it comes up.

The Sound of Prayer

One thing that struck me was that last year when the priests were all saying the Eucharistic Prayer together, it sounded like flowing water or the sound a mourning dove makes when it flies away. This sound is caused not by a vocalization but by the feathers rapidly moving through the air:

However, this year the sound was very rhythmic. Instead of a rustling sound with no united rhythm, it was like repeated waves—woosh, woosh, woosh. It was like the sound of a heart pumping blood around the body, or a stiff broom on stone, or the deep breathing of a sleeping child. Why this difference in sound?

Normally I have my head down in prayer throughout this part of the Mass, but the sound caught me off guard, so I just looked at all the priests. I also watched them while they renewed their promises, so these may blend in my mind. I saw a few that I’ve met before, but 95% of them I don’t know at all. They all looked similar in a way that I can’t quite describe—not in the sameness of their vestments, but something else more intrinsic.

But they were also all so different. Some looked joyful, some contemplative, some stern, some hopeful or sad, some were unreadable, and some just looked tired.

As I watched them, I felt so thankful for them all. Without them, there would be no Communion, confession, anointing of the sick, baptism, or Mass! I overflowed with gratitude and love for every one of them- for the priests and Bishop Doherty, all the deacons and seminarians, all the people in the pews, and the people helping behind the scenes to make the Mass run smoothly.

You may think it’s ridiculous to use the word “love” so generously, but I don’t think it is strange. Wouldn’t this be our default state if we weren’t so broken? This isn’t to say I assume every person is good- absolutely not. We are all sinners in need of God’s saving grace.

How Communion Feels

Sometimes, after receiving Communion, I also feel this way—just filled with so much love for everyone. It is particularly noticeable when I am an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion (EMHC). One person after another comes up to receive Jesus. I hold the Eucharist up, look them in the eye, say “The Body of Christ,” and place Jesus in their palm or on their tongue and Reader, I just love them so much it almost hurts.

I noticed this feeling after first receiving Communion. I had no name for it, so I called it “the gaze of love” when I wrote about it in my journal. I don’t always feel this way after Mass, for which I’m thankful because that would be exhausting. I wrote this poem on June 12th, 2023:

Love’s Gaze

June 12, 2023

If I look at you with 
Love in my eyes,
There is no room for fear.

I am not expecting anything from you, 
Good or bad.
I don’t need anything.
I am full already.
I’m just here,
In this moment,
Entirely for you,
Looking at you with a
Love that drives all other
Inferior feelings 
Out. 

But what I understand from this feeling is the magnitude of God’s love for us. I feel like a cup in which so much love is poured that it overflows and spills out everywhere. But I know God is the source of this love and from Him, it flows endlessly. How little is my cup (which is so easily overrun) in comparison to how much God loves us!

Jesus is Not an Oreo

Last year, Belinda and I were having breakfast together and chatting about questions we had for Father Mike for his 50 Things About the Eucharist column. He writes this column for the pastorate bulletin and has a general call-out for questions for future issues. Belinda said, “I’ve got one! Why can’t we dip the Eucharist in the Precious Blood and, in that way, receive both?” The thought of doing that was so strange to me because I was thinking about the structural integrity of the host wafer- surely, this would cause the Eucharist to dissolve and break apart. So I blurted out, “Jesus is not an Oreo!”

Then I felt so bad because that was a flippant thing to say, and I apologized to Jesus for being so rude. Belinda thought this was hilarious, and it has now become a joke between us—she brought me a pack of Oreos the next week, and I brought her some when she was sick.

I bring this up because, at the Chrism Mass, when the priests came up to receive Communion, they did dip the Eucharist in the Precious Blood. I wasn’t close enough to see this last year. I keep forgetting to ask Belinda to see if she noticed but I bet she did. I wonder why they do this. Maybe so they can receive both without having to wipe the cup each time?

No Ordinations This Year

As I was looking up the number of priests in our diocese to calculate the percentage that I have met (I am detail-oriented, Reader!) I came across an FAQ on the Diocese of Lafayette in Indiana website:

We currently have 59 priests and by 2030 anticipate that number to be down to 48. By 2033, we will have 38.

https://dol-in.org/uih-faq

I don’t know if this is accurate as of today—does Father Andrew count in this number, or have other priests left since this site was published? But this declining series of numbers (59, 48, 38) worries me. Is this how the devil thinks to harm the flock—by removing the shepherds? Tactically, it would be an effective plan. Isn’t that what military commanders always do in battle: attack the leaders?

I asked Phyllis about it, and she said there are no priests being ordained this year and no new deacons. Sunday, April 21st, is World Day of Prayer for Vocations, so I will be praying all day for vocations. I wish there were something else I could do. I don’t have a little boy I could encourage to discern a vocation. I already talked about this with my nephew, and while he is becoming Catholic this Easter, he was emphatic that he is not called to be a priest.

Prayer for Priests

All I can do is pray and always say (or, in my case, write) what a difference priests have made in my life—Father Mike, Father Andrew, and Father Huemmer of the DoL-in-Indiana, Father Terry Bennis and Father Jim of the Gary Diocese, Beth’s Father Daryl and all the priests, living and dead, who I’ve never met but their writings touched my life: Father Thomas Gerrard (1871–1916) who wrote the Chords of Adam, Father Ronald Knox (1888-1957) who wrote the Creed in Slow Motion, Father Mike Schmitz, Father Alfred Wilson who wrote Pardon and Peace, … I could write a post just about all of them- there are so many!

I also feel for all the men God designed to be priests but who didn’t follow that call. Maybe they didn’t understand God’s will for them, maybe they weren’t supported by their families, or maybe they just outright said “No.”

What must their life be like, with that ache of purpose unfulfilled? That’s why I most want to pray for vocations. I know that a decline in priests will not be the end of the Catholic Church. I believe Jesus when He said this is His Church and the gates of Hell shall not prevail against it. I also know that the greatest joy is finding and living your purpose. God created us all to love Him- our hearts are restless until they rest in Him (Saint Augustine), but He also created each of us as a thread in His tapestry.

When I understand what the Holy Spirit asks of me, and I cooperate, I feel so much joy, even if the task is very difficult. Therefore, I can only imagine the joy that people who are called to religious vocations feel when they wake up and let God author them each day. I wrote this prayer poem for Father Andrew last year as a gift for his ordination, but the first part of it came from the sounds I heard and the feelings I felt at the Chrism Mass.

I am often praying it for all the priests, but I will also be praying it for those who are called to this vocation- that they will wake up each day and let their Author author them.

Prayer for Priests

Dear God,

To me, one who
Knows nothing really, 
But only
Observes and feels, 
The Mass is like a poem
In three parts,
Beautifully balanced 
Around its heart-
The Eucharist.

And if Mass is a poem,
And You the Poet,
Could we too be poems,
If only we consent and 
Give over the writing to
You? 

If so,
Then priests must be among Your
Favorite poems-
They that daily let You, their Author,
Author them.
They that  
Like a glacial stream,
Carry the mountain down,
Grain by grain,
To nourish the people below.

Please Lord,
Let their poems ever bloom in
Lines and stanzas full of 
Light and joy and service,
In waves of gentleness and strength-
For those who need gentleness,
For those who need strength.

And if they find their 
Waters muddied 
By their journey to meet us 
On the plain below, 
May You refresh them and make
Their burdens light and easy.