It’s 1:20 in the morning, Saturday, February 10th, 2024. I’ve been up since 11pm thinking (worrying), mostly about the workshop I’m going to today.

I am so thankful I was able to go to Mass this morning and also so thankful that my job allows me the flexibility to go to weekday Mass sometimes and to help out where I can with parish needs. Because Father Mike has been away, we’ve been having adoration instead of weekday Mass for the last several weeks. I love Adoration, but I can’t go in the morning because I can only stay for 30 min and I feel terrible having to check my watch constantly. In adoration, I lose track of time. I wasn’t able to go this last Tuesday evening because Midi was sick and Stuart was out of town, so needless to say I’ve been missing time with Jesus.

Vision in Adoration – “I Thirst”

Last Tuesday, I was able to go to Adoration and Heather, the Director of Evangelization at the pastorate, read a meditation. It was so beautiful and I cried several times. At the end, we were led to ask Jesus what he would ask of us. I had a mental vision of Jesus on the cross, saying “I thirst” and I brought Him a wide bowl (not a cup which is strange) of very clear, cold, pure water and I understood that He was waiting for water too. The water reminded me of Lake Tahoe and in it, I could see the blue sky reflected but also the bottom of the bowl which had intricate designs in mosaic of blue and white. I was confused by this all week.

Impostor Syndrome

The main reason I couldn’t sleep had to do with the workshop I’m attending tomorrow: Called and Gifted. It begins with a self-evaluation quiz to determine what predilections we have to certain gifts, I think. I’m not sure, I haven’t gone through the program yet. I put off taking the quiz for as long as possible and filling it out made me realize how little time I’ve been Christian. I hadn’t seriously read the Bible until after August of 2022. I hadn’t prayed for someone until later that fall. So it was difficult to answer many of the questions because what is “often” when I’ve been officially Catholic for less than a year? Most of the things I could say “often” relate to my work or past hobbies. As I answered some of the questions I thought, how can I talk about this with people I don’t know without sounding crazy? But even more problematic was the gnawing fear of presumption I felt when filling out that quiz.

Like what business do you have going to something like this, Baby Catholic? Aren’t there a hundred people who need to go to this more than you? Did you take someone’s seat? Are you going to be wasting the facilitator’s time? Does any of this even apply to you? What are you thinking, that you are either called or gifted? You are neither of those things.

I was suddenly so tired and just feeling down. I didn’t even pray my evening prayers or the rosary. Peace, shaken.

No Sleep for You

I went to bed early, but sleep was elusive. By 11:11, I was fully awake. We used to call 11:11 the “wishing hour” but tonight, it was the prayer hour. I poured out my worries to God. After a while, I opened the Hallow app and listened to the gospel readings.

I love the way the Old Testament, Psalm, and New Testament readings work together. So much prayer, thought, and contemplation must have gone into choosing them, surely these choices are Spirit-led. The Psalm for today, or rather yesterday since it is now after midnight, is Psalm 81. The reading on Hallow opened with the line “Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it.” Then in the Gospel of Mark 7:31-37, Jesus heals a deaf and mute man by putting his finger in his ears and then spitting on his other finger and touching it to the man’s tongue and speaking “Be Opened.” Jesus took from His own mouth and filled the deaf man’s mouth with words. And I think, how fortunate would I be if each time I opened my mouth, the Lord filled it. What a prayer that is: fill my mouth with your Word, Lord.

We are the Water

I prayed more and then understood that the water I brought to Jesus in the vision during adoration was myself. All these fears and anxieties are just trying to keep me from giving myself over to Him, trusting Him, and knowing that whatever He asks, I can do it because He will help.

I think Jesus is thirsting for us, for us to give him our love, our talents, areas where we need to grow, our sins and sorrows, vices and virtues, our problems, grief, frustrations, joys, hopes, fears, our entire selves. He is waiting for water too.

After the third scrutiny, in the days leading up to being baptized, I felt so at peace- like I could just nestle into Jesus and nothing could perturb or bother me or shake that peace. I had never, not once in my life, felt like that before.

Sometimes that peace is shaken and I struggle to find my way back to that feeling, like tonight. My fears get the better of me, the world intrudes, and I’m honestly not a very good disciple. But even so, Jesus still loves me and still, He says, “I thirst.”

With a love like that, how can I not keep trying? How can I not pour myself out for Him? What about you, Reader? Will you let Him go on thirsting or have you already poured yourself out to Him or let Him pour you as He wills?

Prayer of Surrender 
Jessica Orr - Winter 2023

If I am water, Lord,
Pour me, as it pleases You,
Into a crystal vase or
A chipped mug.

It matters not to me where Lord,
Only that Your will be done.

Or, if it pleases You,
Pour me into a river
Or a small stream,
The ocean or a little pond.

It matters not to me where Lord,
Only that Your will be done.

Or if You like, pour me 
On the ground,
In the dry sand or the mud.

It matters not to me where Lord,
Only that Your will be done.

Journal Continued – Arrival

Well, I’m here in Logansport which Stuart always says is “at the confluence of the Eel and Wabash Rivers” every. Single. Time. I mention Logansport he says that and I love it. The church All Saints is beautiful. I wish I could look around it but I don’t think there will be time for that. I was feeling very reluctant to come inside, even though I had driven all this way and had no good reason for feeling reluctant. I think sometimes when you feel that way, like you don’t want to do something and there is no good reason for doing so and every reason to do it, then you should do that thing. So here I am!

I may write some more or make a new post if there is too much to write or maybe I’ll hive off this part and make a new post later. All things are possible.