National Marriage Week, Feb 7-14, is coming up, so I wanted to think about the vocation of marriage. It’s also been coming up for the past few Sundays.
For adult faith formation on Sunday 1/21/24, we watched the episode of Symbolon on marriage and relationships. Afterward, we had a lively discussion, particularly about being “unequally yoked” in relationships. Then on Sunday, 1/28/24 the second reading (1 Cor 7:32-35) dealt with anxiety, but I was struck by the part about marriage:
1st Corinthians 7:32 – 35 (click to read more)
Brothers and sisters:
1 Cor 7:32-35
I should like you to be free of anxieties.
An unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord,
how he may please the Lord.
But a married man is anxious about the things of the world,
how he may please his wife, and he is divided.
An unmarried woman or a virgin is anxious about the things of the Lord,
so that she may be holy in both body and spirit.
A married woman, on the other hand,
is anxious about the things of the world,
how she may please her husband.
I am telling you this for your own benefit,
not to impose a restraint upon you,
but for the sake of propriety
and adherence to the Lord without distraction.
Unequally Yoked
The phrase “Unequally Yoked” comes from 2: Corinthians 6:14. In my big Catholic Bible, the passage reads:
14 Do not be yoked with those who are different, with unbelievers. For what partnership do righteousness and lawlessness have? Or what fellowship does light have with darkness?
New American Bible: Catholic Edition
And in the Revised edition, the yoked term is replaced with “mismatched” which is probably helpful for people who don’t have a farming or horsey background or didn’t read the Little House on the Prairie books a million times growing up.
14 Do not be mismatched with unbelievers. For what partnership is there between righteousness and lawlessness? Or what fellowship is there between light and darkness?
New Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition (NRSVCE)
Layered, Visual Meaning
But I do have a horsey background and I did read the Little House books a million times, so unequally yoked means a lot to me, even more than being mismatched. I love that the Bible has this visual, layered meaning!
When I hear that term, I picture two horses or oxen under one yoke, but not working together. Maybe one is old and experienced, the other is young and willful, or maybe one is lame and the other is flighty, or maybe one just wants to go back to the barn for a second feed and the other wants to go run in the field. They pull at different paces, they want different things, they can’t agree on the direction they want to go, they can’t take direction and they won’t work together. It could be even more drastic, you could have a little donkey and a big mule yoked together. The strain of such an unequal pairing would cause much pain to both partners.
Okay, so we’re being warned not to get into a relationship where we’re mismatched with our partner, specifically in terms of religion but this could apply to so many things. However… the more I think about it, if you’re strong in faith then your perspective on most other things will fall out from that. But it’s honestly amazing how many people get married without ever talking about children, parenting, religion, money, politics, values, or anything really important. I like that in the Catholic church couples go through a process where they learn about each other and if they are a good match.
Well Matched =/= Exactly the Same
I don’t think being well-yoked or well-matched means being exactly the same. Honestly, if you are the same in all things, you may not fill up what is wanting in your partner and they may not fill up what is wanting in you.
My husband is decisive, organized, and likes to finish things. He is not spontaneous and oh Reader, if you think I am introverted… Stuart… well he is the king of introverts. He loves to laugh, but he isn’t silly. He likes to cook and is the smartest person I know. On the other hand, I’m impulsive and silly, I like to go new places, I like to cook, but only when the mood strikes me, and while I am a planner, I am not a great finisher of things. I love all kinds of art and music, while Stuart is more selective and not so willing to try new things. So in our married life, I’m usually dragging him along to new things and he keeps me grounded and focused.
We are similar in more ways than we are different though- we have a similar sense of humor, love animals, gardening, learning about and spending time in nature, going to museums, reading, and listening to audiobooks. So we are a good complement and I always felt like we were pulling in the same direction in all things. Until I became interested in learning about Christianity, we had almost the same interests and values.
Pulling in Different Directions
Now… well… we don’t and that part has been difficult. So no, I wouldn’t think it’s ideal to enter into a relationship with someone who is drastically different- especially in terms of religion. But what do you do when you learn about God after you’re married? Or what if you’re both Catholic and then one person leaves the church? What if you start equally yoked and then something changes?
My husband didn’t sign up for this and he’s got to feel some kind of way about it. Even if the changes in me are objectively good, I’m still a very different person from the one he married. Is he mourning that person I once was?
I understand from the limited reading I’ve done on Catholic social teaching and the vocation of marriage that in a marriage the husband models Christ to the wife. And in our marriage, my husband does that in the way he always sacrifices for me, always teaches me new things, and forgives me when I do stupid stuff. He is one of the hardest workers I know.
Sign of Peace
But, he isn’t religious so that’s where the modeling of Christ breaks down. He isn’t leading us in prayer, going to Mass, etc.. and knowing him so well, I can’t see that ever happening and it makes me sad for him and our marriage. I feel it most at the sign of the peace during Mass when other couples first turn to each other and then out to the Church. If we were both Catholic, the sign of peace would be a beautiful shared pouring-out-pouring-in moment. But he isn’t, so it’s a blue-tinged-yellow moment instead- happy with tinges of sadness.
He has gone to Mass with me a few times, but the process of getting him there is like the GIF below and involves sustained begging. Ultimately, he doesn’t go because he loves God (or even believes in Him). He goes because he loves me. So I don’t ask anymore because I don’t want him to resent Mass and you can’t force someone to love something (or someone) they just don’t love.
Not Alone in Being Alone in the Pew
In the discussion group, other people were in similar situations. Not necessarily with spouses who are atheists, but who don’t see the value of going to church or are Christian but a different denomination. They likewise, are often alone in the pews.
How do you look to your husband for direction in all things when he doesn’t follow God? What if what is best for following God and what is best for your husband doesn’t match up? What if what God asks of you as a disciple is the opposite of what your husband wants? I’m not really in exactly this case because thankfully Stuart loves me enough to want me to do things that he perceives make me happy. But he isn’t happy that the thing that makes me happy is following God and I’m not happy that he isn’t a part of the thing that makes me happy. Also, if you found something that is so amazing and makes your life so much better, how can you not want that for the people you love most? And it hurts when they look at this amazing thing you found like it’s a used baby diaper. It’s problematic and I have no solutions.
Hit the Books?
So usually when I have a problem I can’t figure out the answer to, I read for a solution or at least to understand the problem better so I can find a solution. In this case, I feel like the help will be more making me feel less alone in this than offering real solutions.
I found “Family Vocations” at a thrift store and read a bit through that. It isn’t Catholic- it’s Lutheran but I think it may be helpful in any case. I also found “The Marriage Knot: Seven Choices that Keep Couples Together” which is another protestant book. There’s also “Discernment of Spirits in Marriage: Ignatian Wisdom for Husbands and Wives” which I could get and listen to on Audible, but I’m not sure that it would cover my use-case: atheist husband.
Google suggested a few. The first is “The Secret Diary of Elisabeth Leseur: The Woman Whose Goodness Changed Her Husband from Atheist to Priest” a diary by Elisabeth Leseur who married an atheist. He read her diary after she died and felt the love she had for God and eventually, this led him to discern a vocation in the priesthood. If Stuart saw me reading this, the title would earn me some serious side-eye. But it sounds like a beautiful story, so I’ll get it and read it anyway. I can withstand side eye for a good read!
There’s also, “In Faith and in Doubt: How Religious Believers and Nonbelievers Can Create Strong Marriages and Loving Families,” which is by a secular humanist but purports to have strategies for interfaith families. Google also returned “I Married an Athiest… Thank God!” by a woman who was once Catholic but lost her faith after a battle with an illness. That makes me so sad.
I don’t think any of these books are exactly what I need, though I’m excited to read Elisabeth Leseur’s diary and how her husband became a priest after she died. I guess the only thing to do is keep on keeping on: keep loving God, keep loving Stuart.
Sonnet 116 ~ William Shakespeare
Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments; love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove. O no, it is an ever-fixèd mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wand'ring bark Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come. Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom: If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
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